The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
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Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?