I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
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My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.