Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
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After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
You’ll be OK
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”