“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
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My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.