Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
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I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
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Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
excuse me
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean