Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
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No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Labreador
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.