My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
You Might Also Like
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Just as the prophecy foretold
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too