I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
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Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do