Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
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Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!