I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
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Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Just say no
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.