ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
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When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?