#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
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Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.