BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
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Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
this is the greatest thing ever
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔