Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
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The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
WHO DID THIS?
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
*3.5 thank you very much.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.