[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
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I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Imma just leave this here…………
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…