That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
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The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
The A string on my guit_r is flat
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades