Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
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Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
the composer
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?