Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
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This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
necessity is the mother of invention
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.