If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
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a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.