me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
You Might Also Like
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.