tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
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Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Friends that check up on you >
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.