Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
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me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”