[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
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Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
*puts my mental health in rice
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.