Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
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If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
The smoothest fall of all time
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
12653.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
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