Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
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Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Sometimes? I’m slipping
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”