Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
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I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you