It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
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the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I think the cat got the dog high.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park