My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
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[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.