Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
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I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.