13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
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I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I ate everything, including the H.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.