What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
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Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”