ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.