Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
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I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Covid like
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”