My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
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“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
wishing you and yours all the best
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss