Terribly Tuesday.
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[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You