A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
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I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Mornin. * use accordingly
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.