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Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit