Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
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A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Just this preview of the story is enough
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm