WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
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Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.