Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
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her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.