“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
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Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It鈥檚 like the assistants at the doctor鈥檚 office don鈥檛 know anything about women.
What鈥檚 with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.馃憤馃構馃槂
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Challenge accepted.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it鈥檚 like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It鈥檚 always like bam, there鈥檚 a snail
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn鈥檛 raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake鈥鈥檒l bring cake
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
blade runner wouldn鈥檛 drive anything bc then he鈥檇 be blade driver y鈥檃ll are so stupid.
All I鈥檓 saying is when I鈥檓 drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I鈥檓 so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
If you read the bible in reverse, it鈥檚 about the world鈥檚 population killing each other until there鈥檚 only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired