*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
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All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying