The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
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A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.