my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
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Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.