Wish the trash would take me out for once.
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*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.