If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
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accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.