*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
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I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains