Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
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8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Finally!
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did