Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
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Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.