me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
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ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Just a reminder, folks:
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you